Hello everyone. Please ask me out kthx.
I have a lot of time now. And I really really want to catch up with all my friends (just thought of dramafeste people today while passing by school at night on my way home... it's been so long since i had a good chat with you guys!!)
fac comm too.. miss all you guys!
and many many more people.
outings pls!

Hi blog. I've deserted you for quite a while now. While people were trying hard to stick to their self-imposed hiatuses, I went into a hiatus without knowing it D: My subconscious surprises me sometimes...

I just tried to type three paragraphs of stuff which I realised didn't really make much sense and is better unpublished.

Today marks our 4th month together :)
A pity the cruise is probably going to fall through though... marianne... -.-
I hope she won't be too disappointed... I am.

My uncles are all coming back from all over the world for the weekend. There's going to be a big family party tomorrow as a farewell for my missionary priest uncle who's going back to Zambia for another three years, and a house blessing and surprise wedding vow renewal for my parents (their 20th anniversary was just a couple of days ago). My youngest uncle flew back from California just last sunday, and tomorrow morning my fourth uncle is flying in from HongKong (i think) just for the party, and flying to US on sunday. My family is damn cool pls! but it's a pity that it's so difficult for everyone to get together now like we used to... Speaking of family gatherings, today was spent with my mother's side of the family, and it's the first time in a long long time everyone was at the dinner table. We used to all be there every saturday, but as we grew up the kids just stopped coming every week because we'd all be out doing something else. So hooray for a great weekend of catching up with my family! I hope you will be here tomorrow... only then will the picture be really complete...

Next monday will be the last 1 hour 15minutes I spend as a Hwa Chong student. Everything is happening so quickly I have no time to sort out my emotions.

But anyway it's time for bed. It seems I kinda lost all my blogging skillz coz i don't really know what's this senseless ranting is about when I read it again myself. D: Just felt like blogging again. hello!

We like someone because...

We love someone although...

My brain has been rather restless recently. I can't stop thinking about things; pre-empting, planning, revising, motivating, everything, I just can't rest. Even when I go to sleep I start dreaming of all sorts of weird things. Think I'm (finally) starting to bend from the stress.

Which is, in a way, a good thing. It's the kind of drive I need to push me to give my all for the next 19 days, so that I know I won't regret not trying when my results are out. I find myself expecting more and more. I actually expect myself to get straight As now. Up from a CDDSU for prelims. C was for GP, go figure. That said, I won't be too disappointed regardless how the results turn out to be (or so I hope). I know there will be a place for me, and I don't even know which is the best place for me anyway.

But studies aside, something doesn't fail to bug me at the back of my mind. What is my motivation? Right now, in all honesty, I really want to study at UQ with Gladys. I don't know if it's naive. Ok actually I know it's naive. But this is who I am, it's all or nothing. Obviously things are a lot more complicated than just wanting to go there... I have to consider my parent's opinions, her opinion, my results, financial issues, alternatives, courses, accommodation blah blah blah.... There's just too much to think about, and I convince myself that I should just get the good results and think later; and even that will bring new dilemmas.

But sometimes I wonder, why is it that we hesitate? Why do I have second thoughts? Should I be doubting? Or should I believe in, and create my ideal future? Why you, and not someone else? If someone asked me that question now, I'm embarrassed to say that I don't know how to answer it, because right now, emotions and logic are separate entities for me. Maybe time will help bridge that gap, or maybe that gap isn't meant to be filled.

Anyway my neighbour upstairs is getting pissed off and is telling me it's time to turn off my lights and go to sleep. How he does that? Knock on the ground with some hammer thing for a fucking hour. Maybe that's why I have weird dreams...

Hello mental diarrhea. I hope I don't write like this for GP..

Here's an excerpt from the latest LJ announcement: 

If a friend or relative makes a racist or homophobic remark, do you tend to confront them or let it slide? Are you more likely to confront them if it offends you directly or someone else who seems reluctant to speak up?

1. I find it easier to stand up for other people, and i wouldn't let it slide if they made a rude or hurtful comment.
2. Usually if a friend makes a racist or homophobic remark, I tend to let it slide. I think that while i would not say such things myself, I have no right to censor those around me.
3. This happens all of the time. I confront some relatives, but I refuse to if they are drunk or watch Fox News.
4. I'd let it slide if it was just a private remark... As much as I despise bigotry and intolerance, I know that you can't change people-they have to change themselves
5. • SPEAK UP. Always, always, always speak up. Letting something slide lets ignorance win. No matter if it offends me directly, or someone else, I will confront the speaker and let them know that's not ok.
6. • I punch them in the balls. With my mind.

...
There's more, but the fourth response was the one that caught me. More specifically the phrase "I despise bigotry and intolerance".
Hello mister moral high-ground. Do you realise how silly that sounds?
Guess it hinges upon the definition of tolerance, but it's quite ironic because despise is a form of intolerance ain't it?

I'm quite a racist myself. Not because I hate people of other race or because they've done anything bad to me, I just find it amusing to poke fun at various generic things I observe in people of other races. I have to admit, most of the sweeping comments I occasionally make (in private of course) do many respectable people of the race in question no justice but I'd like to think of them as being the exceptions. I'm sure every race can be characterised by several unique traits, some not as favourable as others. There are certain generically bad traits I feel people of my race possess as well.

And when someone makes a racist comment, why confront him, especially if he is speaking the truth? There has to be a reason that person made such a judgment of people of that race, and if that person isn't a complete idiot, obviously his comment wasn't meant to be taken seriously, we all know there are exceptions (but like I said, they are exceptions). If I said "Mcdonald's sells horrible burgers", people wouldn't kick up a big fuss even if they've eaten one nice burger at Mcdonald's, or if there's a burger on the menu they really like, so why the big fuss with race? It's my opinion so get on with your life.

It's almost funny when someone says something like "He is so racist" and means it, the only difference between the two parties is that one is judging people by the colour of their skin, and the other is judging based on opinion. We all judge people (but we don't like to be judged). Some people just don't realise that they are judging others. To no. 7, I think you deserve a punch in your balls as much as the guy who made a racist comment for thinking that you are more right than he is, but that's your opinion and I respect that, so I won't punch your balls in my mind.

By the way I really think people of a certain race here (with some exceptions of course) take things a lot less seriously, are slow, and not very bright. Well, they have good traits too; a large majority of them are musically inclined :) You may disagree.

Even though the entire ceremony was just for formality's sake, it was still a good opportunity for me to look back and evaluate my two years in College.

It definitely felt good being able to take the stage 3 times throughout the ceremony, when most other people only go up once, and only two people in the entire faculty go up four times. While I'm not the kind who likes to be standing on stage alone and have over a thousand eyes looking at me, it was nice to know that I was being recognised for my efforts. More importantly, I've done my parents proud.

I realised that college wasn't all smooth sailing for me. I was stumbling along for most of the first half of J1, from joining Ge Fang, to running for council, as well as being a part of the pioneering frisbee team. Fortunately or unfortunately, none of these really matter to me anymore (sorry HCult), because I ended up on a different path, and found a place to be. Don't get me wrong, I still treasure the people I got to meet along these detours. Only at the very end of my two years in college will I then be able to justify my choices, and I must say, I'm both honoured and proud to have made a difference to my faculty. Although sometimes I look at what E-hui has done, and I feel a tinge of regret. I admire how she managed to stay close and committed to both the committee and HCult, makes me think why I didn't do it too. But maybe I'm just not cut out for juggling commitments like that.

My journey with the Fac Comm deserves and entire paragraph. Sometimes I wish I would have the opportunity to address the school and thank everyone who believed in me enough to put me in the committee. I really can't imagine college without being in the committee. The sense of satisfaction is overwhelming each time I see a photo of people smiling and enjoying themselves at the faculty events in the montages, and it's almost dramatic how almost every Athenian now feels a sense of belonging to the faculty, a huge contrast to what we were at the start of J1. And the fact that the GreenWorks banner, the event I am most proud of, will be making it's appearance on the cover pages of every single class photo folder is the icing on the cake.

For all the people I have met, but never kept close to, it's a pity. I know many of these people might have turned out to be great friends.
But for all the people who have stuck with me all this while, thank you! You know who you are.

I can safely say that I have graduated with no regrets. I gave my all in my work for the faculty, I've made wonderful friends whom I know I can depend on long after we've gone our separate ways, my parents recognise my work and are proud of me, and while I never got to meet the love of my life in school, I did get to meet (maybe rediscover is more appropriate) her afterall.

But there's one thing left to do.  The only reason I could graduate without regrets, is because I'm graduating before the 'A' levels. I was never the kind who could sit down for hours and focus on something as mundane as a mathematics assignment (it's mundane to me, ok), but I guess things have slowly changed for the better. Then again I doubt I will regret not trying hard enough; I know I can and should do more, but I always keep in mind that while my academic performance is important, there's a much bigger picture that many of us fail to appreciate. All the time I spent talking to friends and taking breaks instead of studying didn't go to waste. It's just that their effects are less tangible than academic results. And I know doing badly will significantly reduce the opportunities available to me, but who's to say I would go down the right path even if I do well, and that life would be less fulfilling if I did badly?

Nevertheless, I have resolved to spend the rest of my time up till the end of the A levels studying intensively, with the exception of weekends with my family and people who matter most.
Wish me luck!

Time to get some work done. This trump card up my sleeve won't count for anything if I don't play it.
Now there's something to work for. Now I know what I want.

No more doubts :)

We cross paths with thousands of people each day, but we meet so few.
And out of the few people we ever talk to, how many leave an impression?

Ever noticed that you were once sitting in the same stadium as everyone your age 8 years ago?
It was possible that you were sitting just seats away from someone you didn't know then, but is your best friend now...

Watched the show "Whatever Works" a couple of weeks ago, and I highly recommend it. Don't read the synopsis, watch it without any pre-conceptions.

... What are the odds? From the probability of that one sperm making it to the egg among all the others and creating you, to the millions of things that could have happened otherwise, the chances of us meeting are impossibly slim... 
And that's why good friends and companions are the greatest gifts we could ever receive...

Even though I knew very well that I severely underperformed for today's paper (it's always a lack of time...), even though most of the guys would probably score 1.5-2 times my score, they didn't fail to cheer me up. In fact, I don't think I've ever been dull for more than 15 minutes after any paper, no matter how badly I screwed it up, because we'd all rant to each other about it, chuck it aside, and move on to have fun.

I guess none of us could foresee that we'd all still stick together so closely even after 2 years. It hit me while we randomly started talking about stuff that happened back in the high school days, that many of them have really come a long way with me. All of us have changed, quite a lot for that matter. We literally watched each other grow up...
It's quite heartwarming to think that all of this began over a single MSN conversation (it's a pity i definitely don't have it anymore on my computer, our chat logs are so long my computer erases 'old' chatlogs every other day), and that we still have mass conversations every day.
Every now and then I wonder if we'd still be close friends even after we go for NS, but I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. These are the kind of friends you can stop talking to for 5.. 10 years, and when you meet again you'd still understand each other. 

Looking forward to the malaysia trip!!

Only you can make me forget the world

When its weight rests on my shoulders.

Only you can give me motivation,

Without saying a single thing.

I wonder what the people around me will think if I decide to do something else.

Like, not go to Japan, not study animation.

I mean, I've practically been living and breathing these aspirations and everyone around me knows what I've been wanting to do.
But what if I do something else? Does that mean I'm not determined?
Does that mean I gave up?

I don't want to give up.
But slowly, I'm starting to think that there's something better out there.
Something better than animating for someone else (since I don't have the confidence to ever be established enough to enter the creative team, even if I do, it would be a reallllyyyy long time from now..)

I can do much more than just draw, and I don't even draw very well anyway.
There's definitely something better out there for me. We'll wait and see... 

Life isn't fair. Time is relative. Some of us have more time than others.... and in this aspect I think I'm one of the lucky ones.

It's like a cruel joke...
All 12 years of my education boils down to these 3 months, in a way, and I can't help it but to spend almost all my waking hours with you in my head.
I'm probably lying to myself when I think that the amount of effort I'm putting in will get me anywhere near the 4As (not even 1), and I'm also probably delusional to think that doing badly for the prelims will drive me sufficiently to get my As anyway (yes, MY As, because I feel I'm entitled to them).
I'm probably being horribly myopic, but a part of me finds this pursuit of perfect grades very trivial.

A part of me knows that there will be a lot of room for regret if I don't try my best.
A part of me is perfectly happy being mediocre.
A part of me wants to excel.
A part of me is lazy.
And a part of me is just afraid to wake up one day, and realise that you're gone.

It's like a gambling addiction, and I'm putting everything at stake...
I know you're worth it.
For you I will tread the path less travelled...

It's a pity how almost all the posts I see on my friends page now are filled with so much negativity; feelings of inadequecy, stress, fear, anxiety, loneliness, boredom...

It almost made me forget that I'm happy.

Cheer up people!
It's the full moon tonight and the skies will probably be clear too
And I never noticed these "autumn" leaves in Singapore, or maybe this is the first time?
Go for a stroll, a swim, a movie...

And start writing more positively, so you can cheer yourself and others up even if you are down :)

It dawned upon me what yesterday really meant.
It's not just the last day of school, it is also the first day of our independence.
In a way, we've finally been given the right to decide for ourselves, whether we like it or not.

There will no longer be scheduled lessons for us as a class. How well I want to do, and how well I do in the upcoming prelims and the A levels looming at the end of the year, has become a responsibility thrust upon me. No longer will I have the luxury of teachers spoon-feeding me with revision materials and drill concepts into my memory even as I am half-awake. I will have to schedule consultations on my own if I need any help from them, I will have to consolidate my revision materials and make full use of them on my own. 

Conduct grades were finalised yesterday, which means I will never have to avoid skipping school, or going to school late, in fear of a dismal looking conduct grade on my school testimonial. I am no longer bound by authority, but by the consequences of my actions.

Now that there aren't many morning assemblies left, educational and career guidance, something I've been taking for granted, will no longer be easily available to us. I'd have to start finding out more about my prospective careers and universities on my own, and right now, I don't even know where to begin. I do know that now I am now left alone to find out and decide how I want to spend my days after NS.

And so, after craving for independence, the power to decide for mysef and live my life as I deem fit, the freedom from authority, from since I could remember, it suddenly hits me that independence is a scary thing when I finally earn it. I find myself helplessly succumbing to the pressures of society and its expectations, even though I am no longer bound by authority (in a way). I find myself unable to make decisions for myself, because I fear I make the wrong ones, nor do I know how I want to live my life.

It's as if all this while, I was living so confidently under the illusion that the map of my life had been laid clearly before me, and then all of a sudden I am at the edge of the map, with no idea of the roads to come, the crossroads to turn, not even my destination.

From here on out, what I once thought were the chains of society, and now I believe to be guiding lights, will slowly be taken away from me one by one, and I am finally, and slowly beginning to realise what it really means to be an adult; to be fully responsible for my own actions.

Maybe I never paid any attention to it, but somehow, no one seems to have ever told me that independence comes with insecurity.
I am so naive.

Prelims is less than 3 weeks away (excluding GP), and I'm still not in mugging mode yet.
Something's wrong...

Or maybe something else is just horribly right :)

Maybe I need to screw up my prelims to get nervous enough for my A levels....
Oh Shi- Go away bad thoughts >_<
It's not that I'm not studying, I just feel I'm not doing enough D:

and all the uneasiness, fears, doubts and insecurities simply vanished.
nothing else mattered.

Dreams, dreams, of when we had just started things; Dreams of you and me
It seems, it seems, that I can't shake these memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too?

We've just begun :)

I have all these grand ideas, but I'm torn apart by my responsibilities and my dreams.
I want to do more...
for you.
I wonder if you feel the same way too?
I can't help but wonder what's on your mind...
---

I just realised that it'd be quite funny if you actually read my blog :P

---
Today was a fruitful day!
Well, at least spending the evening with Wilson and Marianne wasn't as awkward as I'd expected it to be, I think it's great that they enjoy my company, and I'm starting to feel at ease hanging out with the two of them. I really dislike comments and stares from various people though, but I guess it can't be helped. Can't they understand that we're just really good friends?
But still, I wish you were with me. It would be wonderful if all of us could get along really well, because it's friendships like these that go a long way.

Happy Birthday bro!
You're in for surprise part 2 tomorrow, but I bet you already knew that :P

I left highschool with 14 really close friends, but some of us are drifting away little by little.
I might be leaving college with just a couple of new really close friends.
I guess as we grow up, it becomes harder and harder for us to open up to new people. And so I hope these people will continue to stick by me, and I will definitely try my very best to do the same.

and my weekend is gone.
I'm dead beat and I can't be bothered to do my homework for this weekend, which means I'll be having a lot of trouble over the coming week thanks to... many things going on.
But still, this weekend was not wasted. I'm starting to feel the class getting closer, or at least some of the class. In the past, we all had our CCA commitments (more than 3/4 of my class are CCA leaders >_>), and everyone didn't really know each other well; we were just classmates. Now I think we are becoming friends :)

Saturday night was fun too, even though we didn't have anything on mind and were just wandering around going wherever we felt like, all that mattered was the company.

Today was... weird. And sometimes I think you are quite hopeless :P but I love you anyway
Time to shower, and SLEEP. I promise to catch up with work tmr >_<